Consider that the banana is bright yellow in color. Perhaps this hue triggers some primal defensive instinct that protects humans from dart frogs, stinging bees, flamboyant fungi, and showy sports cars racing above the speed limit. Granted, other fruits and vegetables are yellow. But pears, squash, plums, and apples are not exclusively yellow. The banana reserves its position as the definitive yellow fruit.

The aforementioned fruits are also roughly ellipsoidal in nature, helping you identify them as fruits. The banana not only refuses to fit the mold, but embraces its essentially phallic nature. It jumped the gun from unnatural to sexually offensive long ago in its evolution. What does this mean for modern society? In one of my earlier encounters with sexuality and bananas, my older acquaintance Nick had only one comment: “Do not touch me with that shit.” His friends apologized on his behalf for strong language, attributing his reaction to “some traumatic childhood experience” or other